I think that it changes, definitely. Dating is completely different than marriage. The newness, the discovery, the fun, the romance, the possibilities, the hormones are what make dating such a "high". You worry about every detail of your clothing, make-up, make sure the car is shiny and the house picked-up. You go to fun places, stay up too late, dream about the person you're dating. There's little reality to it.
Marriage, however is not the OPPOSITE of that, but it becomes less exciting because of the, well, monotony of it. Because you have to, eventually, go back to the real world, the real work, the real you. Throw in the in-laws, exes, children, jobs, financial issues and leaving the toilet seat up and the romance and newness of dating becomes the irritation of day-to-day-to-day.
We've been married 21 years. I can't see myself married to anyone else. I don't know why he stays with me (and I'm certain he wonders that too). We've survived through two ex-wives, custody issues, two high school graduations, two weddings, two grandchildren, the birth of two (more) children and numerous other life things. We have our days/weeks/months where you just stinkin' wonder WHAT is was you saw in this person that made you decide to COMMIT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to them. And then we have our days/weeks/months where we have fun and laugh and go out and stay in and make plans and check things off the list.
I think that the above Overheard is a very sad statement that says more about how people feel about commitments and long-term relationships (in anything to anyone) than it does about marriage. And THAT is why marriages don't work. Because people don't want to work at them like they did their dating experience.
The statement reminds me of someone who, five years into what most would consider a "normal" marriage, would wake up, look around, and say "I guess since I don't love you anymore, it's over."
The best your married state will be? That statements makes me think the writer doesn't think a marriage can just get better & better. I believe it can. Sure, you've got to work stinkin hard at it & as Paganne mentioned there are 'seasons' where the spouse is just plain annoying. But, I can definitely testify that marriage can at times be alot better then the dating was.
Wow, what a sad, sad statement. Perhaps this is one of those people who believed that life and love are supposed to play out like a Harlequin romance novel, and were sorely disillusioned when they found out that marriage, like any other relationship, requires work to make it go. I imagine that the reality of marriage would be stunning for someone with that vision. I, however, am so pleased that marriage is NOT like dating, that the intimacy and understanding are SO much deeper. It seems to me that during dating we have a tendency to try and make ourselves look better than we are, whereas marriage is about saying "here it is, the Real Me, learn to love it." Aside: I once knew a girl who said that when she got married she would go to bed after her husband, and wake up before him, so that he would never see her without makeup on her face. I remember thinking that to be so unsure of one's self-worth that someone would only love you with makeup on was tragic! Perhaps it was more indicative of the work she wanted her spouse to put into being HER ideal, too. I can't even imagine the kind of energy it would take to keep that facade going for the rest of one's life, and the anxiety that dropping it would produce.
I think the comment shows (unfortunately) how a lot of (young, particularly) people today view marriage. They think it's going to be a lifetime of infatuation-type feelings, and a few years in they get a very rude awakening and then just give it up.
In context, the quote was from someone who broke off an engagement, so at least they didn't make it to the altar with that attitude.
I think that it changes, definitely. Dating is completely different than marriage. The newness, the discovery, the fun, the romance, the possibilities, the hormones are what make dating such a "high". You worry about every detail of your clothing, make-up, make sure the car is shiny and the house picked-up. You go to fun places, stay up too late, dream about the person you're dating. There's little reality to it.
ReplyDeleteMarriage, however is not the OPPOSITE of that, but it becomes less exciting because of the, well, monotony of it. Because you have to, eventually, go back to the real world, the real work, the real you. Throw in the in-laws, exes, children, jobs, financial issues and leaving the toilet seat up and the romance and newness of dating becomes the irritation of day-to-day-to-day.
We've been married 21 years. I can't see myself married to anyone else. I don't know why he stays with me (and I'm certain he wonders that too). We've survived through two ex-wives, custody issues, two high school graduations, two weddings, two grandchildren, the birth of two (more) children and numerous other life things. We have our days/weeks/months where you just stinkin' wonder WHAT is was you saw in this person that made you decide to COMMIT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to them. And then we have our days/weeks/months where we have fun and laugh and go out and stay in and make plans and check things off the list.
I think that the above Overheard is a very sad statement that says more about how people feel about commitments and long-term relationships (in anything to anyone) than it does about marriage. And THAT is why marriages don't work. Because people don't want to work at them like they did their dating experience.
The statement reminds me of someone who, five years into what most would consider a "normal" marriage, would wake up, look around, and say "I guess since I don't love you anymore, it's over."
ReplyDeleteThe best your married state will be? That statements makes me think the writer doesn't think a marriage can just get better & better. I believe it can. Sure, you've got to work stinkin hard at it & as Paganne mentioned there are 'seasons' where the spouse is just plain annoying. But, I can definitely testify that marriage can at times be alot better then the dating was.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a sad, sad statement. Perhaps this is one of those people who believed that life and love are supposed to play out like a Harlequin romance novel, and were sorely disillusioned when they found out that marriage, like any other relationship, requires work to make it go. I imagine that the reality of marriage would be stunning for someone with that vision. I, however, am so pleased that marriage is NOT like dating, that the intimacy and understanding are SO much deeper. It seems to me that during dating we have a tendency to try and make ourselves look better than we are, whereas marriage is about saying "here it is, the Real Me, learn to love it."
ReplyDeleteAside: I once knew a girl who said that when she got married she would go to bed after her husband, and wake up before him, so that he would never see her without makeup on her face. I remember thinking that to be so unsure of one's self-worth that someone would only love you with makeup on was tragic! Perhaps it was more indicative of the work she wanted her spouse to put into being HER ideal, too. I can't even imagine the kind of energy it would take to keep that facade going for the rest of one's life, and the anxiety that dropping it would produce.
I think the comment shows (unfortunately) how a lot of (young, particularly) people today view marriage. They think it's going to be a lifetime of infatuation-type feelings, and a few years in they get a very rude awakening and then just give it up.
ReplyDeleteIn context, the quote was from someone who broke off an engagement, so at least they didn't make it to the altar with that attitude.